She Stopped Thinking, “What If There Aren’t Any Good Men Left?”

Some people do not struggle in dating because they do not want a relationship.

They struggle because they want one so badly that they start making decisions from fear.

Fear that there are not many good men left.

Fear that if they let this one go, they may not meet someone else.

Fear that they are being too picky.

Fear that maybe they should just give it more time.

That was true for one of my clients.

Before we worked together, she knew she wanted a relationship, but she had never really gotten clear about what she needed in one.

So when she met someone she liked, it was easy to start hoping.

Maybe this could work.

Maybe he just needs more time.

Maybe I am expecting too much.

Maybe I should give him a chance.

And when you really want something to work, those thoughts can make it hard to tell the difference between what is actually happening and what you hope will happen.

That started changing for her.

She became much clearer about what she wanted in a relationship.

She got more comfortable asking questions instead of trying to figure everything out in her head.

And she stopped feeling like every man she liked had to become a possibility.

One conversation showed just how much had changed.

A man told her:

“I’m not looking for anything serious, but I’m open to it growing.”

At first, that may sound like enough information.

But it really isn't.

He could mean:

“I do want a relationship. I just want to take my time, get to know someone well, and make sure we are building something for the right reasons.”

Or he could mean:

“I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I want to date casually, enjoy someone’s company, and if something happens eventually, fine.”

Those are very different things.

And that is exactly where feeling like there were not enough good men left was deciding for her.

If you really want the relationship to work, it is easy to grab onto the part that says:

“Open to it growing.”

That sounds hopeful.

And when you are afraid there may not be many other good options, hopeful can feel like enough.

But now, she doesn't have to fill in the blanks.

She can simply ask, “What does that mean for you?”

And then listen.

And decide from there.

That may sound simple, but for her it was a big change.

She says she is much clearer now about what she wants and much more comfortable asking for the information she needs.

She is not trying to convince herself that something could work just because she likes someone.

She is not holding onto every possibility because she is worried there may not be another one.

And she is not as confused by dating as she used to be.

She has not found her partner yet.

But dating already feels different.

She feels more grounded.

She knows herself better.

She asks more questions.

And she does not feel as much pressure to make every connection turn into something.

Sometimes progress in dating is not finding the relationship yet.

Sometimes it is finally getting to the point where you can say:

“I like him. But I still need to find out if this actually works for me.”